i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it's like heaven, but drunker
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
