I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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