dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
