I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
