Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
