Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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