turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
