My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
