Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
