They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
