so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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