a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
