I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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