i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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