I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
