That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
