Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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