After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
