I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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