I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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