and you said cock pushups were impossible
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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