3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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