Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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