I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
