yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
