I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
