Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
