So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
