I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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