listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
