How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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