just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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