You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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