____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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