True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
