my vag is so smooth its legendary
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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