No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
