my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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