Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
