Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
