the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
PANTIES FOUND
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
