what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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