He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
