I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
