Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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