I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
