I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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