Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
3 2 1 whiskey
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
