Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
