i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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