Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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