cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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