you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
