if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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