new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
