I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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