i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
